Slow down, Crazy, slow down.
12/22/2010, 10:28 PM
Filed under: Love Life, Pure Drama

One of my favorite YouTube videos has a scene of Sassy Gay Friend telling Juliet (yes, that Juliet): “You met him on Sunday; it’s barely Thursday morning. Slow down, Crazy, slow down.”  It fits here, because the past 3 weeks with Ian have been a freaking whirlwind and I can’t seem to keep up. At the same time, I wish time would just move faster!

After our awkward “feelings” conversation, I was surprised to discover that Ian became slightly more flirtatious with me. Not always in an obvious way, but as if walls and boundaries were dissolving and leaving us with more raw, honest versions of ourselves. And even as those last two weeks of classes and finals became progressively more stressful, Ian and I somehow became closer, no doubt as a result of that conversation. I tried my best to ignore the emotional implications of our … conversation (I just don’t know what else to call it! Confrontation? Discussion?), but with Ian’s walls being down, there wasn’t much I could do.

Fast forward to last week Tuesday: we got together to study for a chem and he spilled his plans to break up with Elizabeth the following day, Wednesday. Studying a chem on the couch, it felt absolutely natural to lean on one another, poke and tickle and be physically closer than I realize we’ve ever been before. You kept me warm, jokingly referring to yourself as a heater, and I knew I had to leave before letting myself slip further into a world that was just the two of us; I couldn’t do that knowing Elizabeth was sitting lost and lonely at home. And a couple flirty texts later, I knew that I had gotten in too deep with you. As much as I tried to resist, I knew that I was falling for you, whether I wanted to or not.

On Wednesday, I got a few more flirty texts, but I couldn’t let myself believe them because you hadn’t broken up with Elizabeth yet. I waited that night, waited and waited and worried and waited some more, until I got the text from you that was both exciting and disappointing: you and Elizabeth were no longer seeing each other. No sooner had I breathed a sigh of belief when I realized that I now had a different role in your life. I wasn’t just the best friend, I was that girl. Sure enough, as that girl, I ended up coming over super late that night and watching trashy TV with you until the wee hours of the morning. But it felt so normal. Neither of us acted like it was unusual for me to use you as a pillow, with my head on your chest, or for you to have your arm around me. And it took absolutely all of my willpower to force myself to stay on the couch instead of crawling into bed with you. In all honesty, I think it felt more awkward to stay in separate rooms than it would have felt to simply sleep in the same bed – not with you holding me, but near you.

Thursday afternoon I found myself on the couch with you again, this time even closer than before. We didn’t have to fool ourselves anymore, so I wasn’t going to hesitate when my instinct was to lay parallel to you, snuggled up under blankets with my head on your chest. Except I felt particularly foolish when Jackie knocked on your door and we both flinched, knowing that at this point that any of our friends would be suspicious and probably not very supportive, despite your new single status. So we rearranged quickly and Jackie made all the polite gestures and sounds and we went on with our afternoon. You seemed genuinely sad when I left, and I have to admit, I was genuinely sad to be leaving.

And now it’s break and all I feel without you is lonely. Your texts don’t help, the ones that remind me how much warmer I could be if you were here cuddling with me or the ones that make me laugh out loud because the humor is exactly what you know will make me laugh no matter what.

I miss you like crazy, Ian. I can’t lie anymore and pretend that I’m not falling for you because I am, totally and completely.



Dear Ian
12/07/2010, 9:55 PM
Filed under: Love Life, Uncategorized, Unsent Letters

Dear Ian,

I’m very mad at you. This is unusual, because usually you’re the one person I can count on to make me feel better. But you took that away the other night when you spit out the goddamn truth about feelings you’re probably not even sure you have.

I’m mad at you because I know you knew better. I’m chalking your feelings up to a weird phase, and you know better than to let phases get the best of you. You knew better than to say something to me when it might go away in a week or two.

You weren’t playing the game. You dropped the ball, Ian, because you weren’t thinking things through. You’re usually the star quarterback of this game, the one with romance and drama and love triangles instead of goal posts. You didn’t think about the game you’re playing, and you ruined it. If you had been playing the game, you definitely wouldn’t have told me anything the other night; you would’ve waited until a better moment (maybe one when I was prepared and didn’t just accidentally fall into it?). And because of your poor timing, I have no choice but to assume that you’re not taking the idea of “me” seriously, and I’m just a phase for you.

And that would be just fine, as long as you’re just a phase for me.

Ian, I don’t know what to think or how to feel. I’ve been thinking through it for almost 48 hours, and I hate to admit it, but we’d be great together. We value all the same things in a relationship: quality time, sense of humor, maturity, independence, ease of conversation, and honesty. I can’t think of a single thing we’d have trouble with right off the bat. I can, however, give you an epic list of reasons why we shouldn’t pursue anything for a very long time (cough EVER).

  1. Elizabeth.
  2. ORL
  3. Our “homes” are 6 hours apart
  4. You’re not a breakfast person. I am.
  5. I live in the best freshmen dorm ever. You don’t. I wouldn’t want to make the competition even worse for you.
  6. The weird friend dynamic that would ensue (think Ellis)
  7. I hate Star Wars.
  8. You hate country music.
  9. I’m an A-Chem person. You’re an O-chem person. That alone…
  10. Elizabeth.

But then again, I can think of a million reasons why a relationship could be a great thing.

  1. We trust each other. You know everything about me, and you even said you tell me everything.
  2. We laugh at all the same things.
  3. We love trashy pop music.
  4. We want to fix up a house.
  5. We love kids.
  6. We both hate pictures.
  7. We can read each other, finish each other’s sentences.
  8. We’re great at tackling things together: communicating, splitting up work, helping each other, everything from start to finish.
  9. We’re freaking best friends.
  10. We can go from being goofy and acting like we’re 4 to being serious in no time flat.
  11. We enjoy taking care of each other.
  12. We’re both picky eaters.
  13. We would appreciate each other – we make the other feel at ease.
  14. We’re freaking fun to be around – board games at the library, dances, playing Halo – you name it, we’d be the fun couple.
  15. I bet if we gave it an opportunity to come out, we’d have chemistry (And not the kind JAG would approve of).

That list could go on and on, I promise. You drive me crazy, but you’re my best friend and I’ll love you no matter what. I promise to support you if you want to make your relationship with Elizabeth work; if it makes you happy, then I’m happy for you. I’ll be there for you if you chose to end things with Elizabeth, no matter what comes of it. I’ll be right here through thick and thin. If you decide that I’m not a phase, that’s cool too. I just hope you’re not making big life choices just for me.



Kiss and Tell
12/06/2010, 12:49 AM
Filed under: Uncategorized

Gotcha! No kissing here!

Just a little frustrated that Ian decided to tell me the truth. After yet another “I’m not happy in this relationship” talk, I asked the right question (by accident) and he answered me (on purpose) by telling me the thing I was most excited and scared to hear: that he’s been thinking “what if” with me. I’m excited because it means that I wasn’t wrong, that I wasn’t jumping to conclusions and, best of all, this may not be the worst thing in the world that could happen to me.

I’m nervous and anxious for so many more reasons. The biggest reason is that now we can’t blissfully ignore it anymore; we’ve acknowledged the fact that there’s something there, so I feel like I have to be careful about everything I say and do around him. Every hip check, every inside joke, every time he makes me laugh so hard I snort – it’s all going to feel like it’s coming from somewhere else now, and I’m just not sure how to handle myself. I can’t joke around with him as if he were my best friend because now there’s invisible “more” to the situation. Yes, that’s really the best way to describe it.

The other reason has to do with his girlfriend, who has recently become one of my good friends. I hate knowing that he’s unhappy with her and I hate knowing that he may not tell her. I hate knowing that she’s inevitably going to be hurt. I can’t stand to think that I may now be a factor in the decision that’s going to cause her this kind of pain. I’m also somewhat mad at Ian, because he made it sound like being unhappy in his relationship was an option, all because it meant hurting her less. That’s a decision I don’t agree with at all, and I’m finding it hard to deal with the fact that, despite what he and I could have, he’s going to chose being with her because he’s that scared of hurting her.

Um, hello? The better decision is right here. Ian asked me tonight, “If I was single…?” and I couldn’t think of an answer right off the bat. I *should* have said, “You’re not, so it doesn’t matter.” Instead I told him that if he were single, I didn’t think I’d be at the top of his list. I guess I don’t really have a reason to believe that, but I don’t want him thinking that I’ll be here twiddling my thumbs while he wastes time being unhappy and hurting two people that he cares about.


12/02/2010, 12:25 AM
Filed under: Uncategorized

It’s always the freaking beginning of December that throws my love life for a loop. It was 4 years ago this very day that Erik told me he loved me for the first time, and I responded honestly with an echo. Last year during the week and the following week, I fell hard for J.

I thought J and I were history, meant to be friends from now on and nothing else. But a few recent phone calls have me wondering why the hell the world doesn’t want us to be together. How long will it take for us to be in the same place in our lives? Geographically, of course. If it weren’t for geography, we’d be approaching a year of togetherness. But we’re not. And we’ve barely talked to each other for the past 6 months. To be honest, I thought this friendship was going to die when you left. I thought the letters would stop coming as frequently (they did), the Facebook posts would become even rarer (so true), that I’d go months without seeing you (spot on) and that we’d barely talk on the phone (ok, so I was wrong there). But I’m realizing slowly that no matter how little contact I have with you, the times we do get to talk are just as wonderful as they were last year. And you know I’ve always been about quality rather than quantity. 😉

Part of me thinks that sometime in the future, J and I will be in the same place at the same time and we’ll get our shot. We have so much going against us and we’re telling those things to screw it – we’ve got this friendship, and even though that’s all geography and time will let it be right now, maybe someday we’ll get our chance. And I would love nothing more, because the “what if” scenarios in my head never seem to go away when it comes to him. And it’s not even the past “what if” scenarios, but the future ones. What if we do achieve our goals together (once we figure out what those are)? What if I get to date him? What if we fall hard for each other, the way people are supposed to fall? And goodness gracious, what if we got married? What if we fixed up that old farmhouse for our honeymoon and went to Harry Potter Land before we had kids and what if we read books together just so we could talk about them before falling asleep holding hands? Also, we’d make a kick-ass parenting team. I love J as a friend, and that’s all he is to me right now. I’m just hoping and praying for a chance that we’ll get to see what it would be like to be more than friends.

And then there’s freaking Ian. Yeah, I’ll use his name because I know he’ll never find this because no one bothers to read it anyway. Ian and Elizabeth are not in the greatest place in their relationship right now. I can tell that Ian’s heart just isn’t in it anymore. I’ve seen him chase after that girl since day 1, and it breaks my heart to see that he’s not happy. The worst is that he knows he’s not happy, and he’s slowly realizing that there may not be a way to change it. But good god, Ian, why on Earth did you have to make the comment you made to me tonight? Because as cryptic as you thought you were being, I can read you like a book. You forget that sometimes, because you underestimate the amount you trust me until it’s too late and you’ve already blurted something or made a face and I know exactly what it is you’re thinking. I’m scared because I’m realizing the same thing I suspect you’re realizing: we would be a great team. We have the same sense of humor and we’re constantly making each other laugh. We’re honest with each other, sharing absolutely everything, being best friends by second nature. We get each other in every single way. Everything you said you want in a relationship/significant other in last night’s conversation pointed directly to me. But you didn’t say those words. And tonight, you simply said that if I knew what you were thinking, my head would explode.

Too late. Explosion occurred. Now tell me what I’m supposed to do with all these new feelings and thoughts. You’ve been my best friend for almost a year. Now that you have a girlfriend, you’re having shadows of thoughts about an us? Really? That’s scary. And somewhat exciting. That’s the part that scares me most. I wouldn’t mind thinking about you in that way. We could have something here, I won’t deny that, and I would give it a chance under the right circumstances.

Hey boys? This month’s not really good for me. Can you come back and play with my emotions in January? I’d greatly appreciate it.

Write a Letter
04/14/2010, 12:24 PM
Filed under: Poetry | Tags: ,

Write a letter, write it fast

try to make your feelings last

before the blow comes raging down

and scatters your emotions round.

Write a letter, make it clear

that you need somebody near

to make it though that final kiss,

to make it through a storm like this.

Write a letter, play the song

that you’ve been singing all along

to push the thoughts out of your head –

the ones behind the words you said.

Write a letter, tell the truth

that maybe folks like me and you

weren’t really meant to last this long.

I’m feeling sorry, but I’m not wrong.


Again, comments and constructive criticism are always appreciated! This whole rhyming business is more challenging than I thought!


04/01/2010, 10:46 PM
Filed under: Poetry | Tags: , ,

Like a pen, you wrote on my soul

pressing softly, ink slowly slipping, spilling

into crevices and cracks

forming words from empty spaces

sinking, staining, staying

part of me.


This whole poetry thing is still new to me, but I appreciate your feedback and comments. Thank you all!


03/28/2010, 7:37 PM
Filed under: Friends, Poetry, Pure Drama | Tags: , , , ,

Me and you

always close, until that fight

we paperclipped our lips

shut tight

shut down

didn’t agree to disagree

agreed to keep it quiet, let it be

let it be: complicated, distant, empty

without permission to be missing you

(but I still do)